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THINGS I WILL DO ON THIS ACCOUNT:
-MAKE EXCELLENT POSTS
-BE ENDLESSLY CHARMING AND FUNNY
-FURTHER MY MAGICAL RESEARCH OUT OF BOTH GENUINE CURIOSITY AND ALSO SPITE DIRECTED AT THE MEMBERS OF ACADEMIA WHO HAVE WRONGED ME

THINGS I WILL NOT DO ON THIS ACCOUNT:
-I WILL NOT HEX YOUR NEIGHBOR'S DOG. JUST TALK OUT YOUR PROBLEMS LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. OR I CAN JUST HEX YOUR NEIGHBOR INSTEAD WHY BRING THE DOG INTO IT

MIGHT HAVE GOTTEN A BIT TOO REAL ON THE FUNNY ALT. MY BAD. LET ME CAST MY MEMORY-ERASING MAGIC SO YOU FORGET ABOUT IT [FIREBALLS YOU TO DEATH]

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FIGHTERS ARE CONSTANTLY MOCKING ME LIKE "GO FOR A WALK SOMETIME WIZARD GIRL! EAT SOME HEALTHY AND SATISFYING FOOD WIZARD GIRL!!" SORRY I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER MY BUSY SCHEDULE OF "SOBBING" + "INTENSE MYSTIC STUDY"

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FIGHTERS MIGHT "DIE HEROICALLY IN BATTLE" BUT THEY WILL NEVER KNOW THE THRILL OF DYING SLOWLY DUE TO MY UNHEALTHY WIZARDLY LIFESTYLE

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SWING YOUR SWORD MORE MUSCLE BOY I'LL JUST BE OVER HERE RAINING HELLFIRE UPON MY ENEMIES

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I CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH FLAVOR OF SPELLCASTER I'M SUPPOSED TO BULLY TONIGHT SO I'M JUST GOING TO GO BACK TO THE OLD RELIABLE AND SHIT ON FIGHTERS

THE NEXT TIME YOU "DOWNLOAD" AN "APP" SPARE A THOUGHT FOR THE POOR WIZARDS WHO WOULD HAVE GUIDED YOU THROUGH THE INSTALLATION IN THE DAYS OF YORE

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THIS ECONOMY HAS BEEN QUITE BRUTAL ON WIZARDS AS WELL. THERE ARE MANY STRUGGLING SOFTWARE WIZARDS WHO LOST THEIR JOBS TO AUTOMATED SYSTEMS IN THE EARLY 2010S

THE ONLY CASTING I CARE ABOUT IS CASTING MY LINE INTO THE LAKE YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN FELLAS

Kara V The Honorable College of Hydromancy on Cone of Piss has been settled

We are still in negotiations in Kara V The Honorable College of Hydromancy on Create Waterboarding

@kara Cone of Piss is a venerable spell that takes some casters years to master, you insulted the entire school

THIS ENDED UP SEALING THE DEAL AND I OBLITERATED THOSE PISS WIZARDS IN THE SETTLEMENT. MOST OF THE WINNINGS ARE CONFIDENTIAL BUT I CAN SAY THAT THE ORDER OF HYDROMANCERS HAS TO PAY ME FIFTY CENTS WHENEVER A NOVICE SAYS PISS. NATURALLY I PAID A NOVICE FIFTY BUCKS TO STAND IN THEIR LOBBY AND YELL PISS AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS FOR THREE HOURS A DAY

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ONE OF THE MORE JUVENILE WATER MAGES CAST A SPELL SO THAT IT WOULD LOOK LIKE I PISSED MY PANTS WHEN I TOOK THE STAND, BUT THE HONORABLE WIZARD JUDGE KNEW FOR A FACT THAT I HAD PISSED BEFORE ENTERING THE ROOM, RENDERING HIS CHILDISH TRICKS MOOT. ALSO HE WAS EXECUTED FOR CASTING UNAUTHORIZED SPELLS IN WIZARD COURT

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I'M SORRY I'VE BEEN SO QUIET, THE HONORABLE ORDER OF HYDROMANCERS SUED ME IN WIZARD COURT BECAUSE THEY WERE UPSET THAT THE NOVICES WERE CALLING THEIR SPELLCASTING "BLASTING A PISS"

after a long day of work, I climb to the top of the second highest wizzzard tower and cast fireball at the roof, destroying it completely and thus completing the ritual of making the tower look like a giant candle atop a cake

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WAIT SHIT WHAT'S THE POINT OF LIFE IF NOT FOR NUMBER GO UP? I AM FOILED

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